Principle – Displays of patience build trust and welcomes kindness.

I was a wannabe fisherman.  What is a reasonable number of times that a father should bait the hook of a little boy that whips the hook out of the water too soon and too fast?  The answer to that question seemed to be any number of times is okay, at least to Quig.  He loved fishing; but he had great patience to help others learn to fish even if that meant that he did no fishing.

Kanosh canyon is home to Corn Creek, a small stream that rushes from mountain heights to the desert floor.  For reasons science cannot fully explain, this small stream is a productive fishery.  As kids we always loved to fish up the canyon.  This stream was in dramatic contrast to the Weber and Provo rivers where Quig would spend hours fly fishing and casting in big pools full of crystal clear water.  The small ripples, pools, and bends in Corn Creek, in many ways, presented an ideal fishery for young kids.  Grasshoppers, crickets, rock-rollers, and worms were ideal bait.  Quig loved to fish these waters and show great patience as he would wait out many a hole.  But another style of patience also reared its head whenever Quig had children or grandchildren with him.  He rarely found time to bait his own hook as he patiently baited the hooks for others.

This example was repeated time and time again in virtually every activity involving Quig.  As a volunteer at the genealogy library, Quig found time when no one was there to work on his own genealogy.  But whenever a patron entered he would drop his own work to help them find the sources they were seeking.  Some days that meant making no progress on his lines.  He seemed to have a special kind of patience to repeat the same instructions over and over again with not even a hint of impatience.  I always thought that Quig would have made a great teacher – one who does not get bothered by the same question over and over again.

In contrast to this, I started teaching microeconomics at Indiana University at Kokomo, partly because I was bored being the Chief Weather Forecaster at Grissom Air Force Base.  I was excited when I first arrived on base and began a new assignment.  But as the weeks turned into months, I found myself thinking that there needs to be more to my life than reading weather charts, briefing pilots, issuing forecasts, and tracking severe weather.  For me the challenge faded after I learned the ropes and became proficient as a forecaster.  I decided to try my hand at substitute teaching at the local high school.  My first day of substituting was quite an eye opener.  I developed high levels of respect for teachers who can teach at that level and not lose their patience.  I was to issue a test to the first period class.  I could not get them to stop looking at each others papers and wandering up and down the isles comparing answers.  Then I was to be the monitor in the boys’ rest room for the second period.  This job consisted of standing in the rest room where the doors had been removed from all the stalls so the monitor could tell whether the student was smoking, doing drugs, or doing the task relegated to that particular room.  The day went down hill from there.

I decided that I should use my Masters Degree in resource economics to teach at the local University.  To my amazement I was selected to teach micro economics in the evening classes.  The reality of this set in when I saw my first class – the average age was over 30 years old and I had just turned 24.  I really enjoyed my first three semesters of teaching.  The first two I had significant challenges staying ahead of the lectures, preparing my lectures, writing tests, and correcting tests.  The third semester was also a challenge because the University changed text books on me.  That created a whole new set of challenges.  It was the fourth semester teaching that I discovered that not everyone, me included, was ready right at that time to be the best college professor.  In class I found my self diverted by questions that were asked.  I would think to myself, why are they asking that? I just answered that question for you last week.  Then I would recall that it was not last week at all, it was the semester before.  Just how the great teachers can treat every time a student asks a question that was answered in the previous section or semester is beyond me.  I did not have that kind of patience. I developed a great respect for teachers who can teach with enthusiasm the same topic over and over again and respond to questions as though it were the first time they had heard that question asked.

This patience plays out in many situations that involve young people.  Quig had a knack for the patience needed to teach the young and the old.  From fishing streams to rangeland plant identification to family history searches, patience was a strong suit for Quig.

I don’t ever recall someone saying Quig was out of patience.  It wasn’t as though there were no stresses in his life.  It was as though life was incapable of presenting a moment when he would display a fit of rage or a moment of anger.  How is that possible?  I have to admit this lesson, though taught, has been difficult for me to follow.  While I think I have great patience, I remain a piker to Quig.

The outside observer it probably appeared as though Audrey was in charge.  I am confident there were many situations when, in fact, she was in charge.  I now recognize this personally because there are many circumstances I face in my personal and family life when I am not in charge.  I don’t see this as a character flaw, or even a weakness.  Rather, I recognize this simply as a manifestation of reality.  In fact, some of the people I know who put on airs of being in charge, often really are not.  But they are not likely to admit it.

To many people the issue of who is in charge looms big and causes untold stress.  In Quig’s case the issue was not about who was in charge.  Rather, it was about the direction in which we were heading.  If Q&A were both desiring the same goals and were heading in the same direction, it was unimportant to Quig just who was in charge.  I think in Quig’s view there were several paths that lead to the goals he and Audrey were seeking.  Whether he defined an acceptable path or Audrey defined an acceptable path was of small consequence.  After all he was very familiar with big consequences – like alcoholism, loss of mother, loss of sister, and growing up alone.

If one couples patience with a large dose of respect for womanhood, I think you might begin to comprehend what motivated Quig’s interactions with Audrey.  Quig was available to meet Audrey’s needs – without mumblings or grumblings.

Quig’s patience was noted by family, friends, even those who casually knew him.  Observing these happenings had substantial influence on me.  As a supervisor, I was asked many times, “Why do you put up with _______?”  This blank could be a person’s name, a work form, or some process we had to follow.  My reaction would nearly always remind me of Quig’s – there are few of these things that are big enough to really make a difference in the overall scheme of things.  The next reaction from them was usually, “I can’t believe you are that patient.”

Friends, family, and acquaintances would often comment that Quig had the patience of Job.  The reality is respect was granted to Quig for the patience he displayed.

I am sure you have heard it said that patience is a virtue. I have witnessed this time and time again.  Whether it is the young person who can wait out a friend’s rant, a student who does not allow the injustices of the human built systems to push their buttons, the worker who patiently listens to a supervisor who wrongly assumes the worst outcome, or the father and mother who can accept the failings of youth without resorting to yelling, patience rewards the body and soul eventually.

Being patient requires work.  While I think it can become a trait that is easy to practice, it is not automatically ingrained in our mind and body.  The fight or flight instinct remains intact, but the mind can extinguish the flame that ignites in a situation trigged by emotion.  It is one of those learned traits that, once mastered, seems so easy that it is difficult to understand why others are having trouble with it.  In reality it took me years to gain a deep control of this.  I think the greatest step along the path came when I finally recognized that those we love the most are human and going to make mistakes.  Understanding that many actions are mistakes rather than willful acts of defiance was important to me.  I now realize that my own actions often times were the trigger for some else’s lack of patience.  Coming to this reality awakened in me a resolve that I would exercise more patience with those around me.  It brought a peace to me that has made a big difference in who I am.

My own children want to know why the two youngest were raised so differently than the oldest two.  The honest answer is that I was learning all along the way and some lessons failed to sink in until my two oldest boys were nearly ready to leave the nest.  There was no formal decision made to change my attitude and behavior, it all came slowly as I witnessed more of life’s challenges eating some people up and permitting other people to grow.  I wanted to be on the growing side of life.  The ulcers I so fully cultivated during my PhD program were one of the indicators that helped me gain new insight into patience.  Another grand gift was when I was called by the school bus supervisor who informed me that my boys were throwing rocks at the school bus.  I was so strong in denying that my boys would do anything such thing, that when I did verify that they did do it I had a heap of apologizing to do.  I learned patience to get more facts before I launch into denials or defenses.

I have taken plenty of instruction from those who have no patience, some even dating to my grade school.  I was gregarious as a young person.  Visiting with my classmates was more important sometimes than paying attention to the teacher.  There is a fine line in exercising patience when dealing with children.  Setting bounds and enforcing them while exercising appropriate patience requires skill and can become an art form.  An example of how this is not done was taught me by my second grade teacher.  She was a large woman who was more interested in discipline than teaching concepts and principles.  As you might guess for a gregarious type this was not easy or very satisfying.  My friends and I would use the occasion when she turned her back to us to get in a quick exchange or two.  Our teacher’s words still ring in my ears today.  Upon catching us, she would shout out loudly, “If you don’t sit down and shut up I will sit on you and smash you flatter than a grease spot!”  We took no doubt in believing that she meant it.  Some of my actions through the years have mimicked her more than Quig, unfortunately.

Bottom Line:  Patience rarely brings with it unhappy endings.  Indeed, patience builds trust with others and almost always results in acts of kindness in return.  As Quig used to say, “Kind words are always welcome.”